Understanding a Manipulative Response to Accountability

DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, is a psychological tactic used by individuals—often those who have caused harm—to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. The term was first introduced by psychologist Jennifer Freyd and is frequently referenced in discussions of abuse and manipulation, particularly in the context of intimate relationships, families, and even workplaces.​

What Is DARVO?

When someone is confronted with their harmful or inappropriate behavior, they may instinctively want to protect themselves from consequences. For some, this impulse turns into a deliberate, manipulative strategy like DARVO. Here’s how the process works:

• Deny: The first step is outright denial. The individual insists that no wrongdoing occurred, that the accuser is mistaken, or that the issue is fabricated. The language may sound like “That never happened,” “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re making something out of nothing.” By denying the behavior, the perpetrator attempts to erase the possibility of accountability right at the outset.​

• Attack: If denial doesn’t deter the accuser, the next step is to attack the person raising the concern. This can take many forms—questioning the accuser’s credibility, intelligence, emotional stability, or motives. Examples might include, “You’re so sensitive,” “You’re just trying to start drama,” or “You can’t be trusted.” By attacking, the perpetrator attempts to deflect attention from their own actions and make the issue about the alleged flaws of the accuser.​

• Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, the manipulator turns the tables by presenting themselves as the true victim. They might say, “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way,” or “Look at what you’re doing to me.” This step not only reinforces their denial, it forces the person raising the concern to defend themselves and often shifts sympathy or support away from the actual victim. Unfortunately, this reversal can confuse others and make the victim appear to be the aggressor.​

The Psychological Impact of DARVO

DARVO is not just a clever rhetorical device. It has serious and far-reaching effects on those who experience it. For victims, this process often leads to:

• Confusion: Victims begin to question their reality and memory, especially if the denial and attacks are delivered confidently or are repeated by others.​

• Self-doubt and shame: Being told you are to blame—or even an aggressor—can result in deep guilt, shame, and a loss of self-worth.​

• Emotional distress: Chronic exposure to DARVO can cause anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms. Many victims end up feeling isolated or fearful of speaking up for themselves in the future.​

• Barriers to seeking help: People on the receiving end of DARVO may feel that no one will believe them or that they don’t deserve support. This makes it harder for victims to reach out, seek therapy, or escape harmful situations.​

Why Is DARVO So Effective?

DARVO often works because it manipulates human empathy, social norms, and the desire for fairness. When a perpetrator forcefully denies and then claims to be the true victim, observers can struggle to know whom to believe. The real victim, blindsided and put on the defensive, may appear less calm or more reactive, which—ironically—feeds the abuser’s narrative. Research shows that even neutral observers who witness DARVO tactics are more likely to view abusers as less responsible and victims as more at fault than when DARVO is not used.​

Breaking the Cycle

The most important steps in breaking the DARVO cycle are awareness and support. Naming the behavior—recognizing the pattern of Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender—can empower victims and bystanders to resist being manipulated. If you notice these dynamics in your own relationships or community, here are some helpful responses:

• Set clear boundaries: Recognize DARVO for what it is and calmly but firmly restate your experience.

• Seek outside support: Trusted friends, professionals, or support groups can provide reality checks and validation.

• Document incidents: Keeping written records of conversations and events may help clarify the truth if details are later denied or twisted.

• Consider professional help: Therapy can help untangle feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion, making it easier to rebuild self-confidence and discern healthy relationships.​

No one deserves to be silenced, blamed, or manipulated in this way. Understanding DARVO is a powerful tool for reclaiming your story, setting boundaries, and seeking the support you deserve. It’s also a reminder for communities and organizations to approach conflict with careful, trauma-informed consideration, supporting those with the least power and greatest vulnerability at the center of every conversation.